A husband and wife attended a wedding reception at which the husband spent the entire 4 hours there ignoring his wife and flirting like a dog in heat with a gorgeous young blonde in a revealing evening gown as his embarrassed wife looked on.... 

Later, during the drive home, the wife sat quietly in the passenger seat, silently stewing and wishing she could teach "hubbie" a lesson or two....

Suddenly, there were flashing lights in their rear view mirror and they were pulled over for speeding. The officer approached the driver's side and said, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The husband replied, "Gee officer, I had it on cruise control at 60.  Perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating?"

Smiling, the wife spoke up, "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't even have cruise control."

As the officer wrote out the speeding ticket, the husband looked over at his wife and growled, "Can you please keep quiet?  Nobody asked for your input."

The wife just smiled demurely and said, "But darling, you should be thankful that your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer made out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the husband glowered at his wife and said through clenched teeth, "Damn it woman, will you PLEASE keep your mouth SHUT?!"

The officer frowned and said, "Sir, I also see that you're not wearing your seat belt.  That's an additional $75 fine..."
The husband replied, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but then I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife shook her head laughing and said, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on.  You NEVER wear your seat belt when you're driving!"

And so, as the police officer was writing out the third ticket, the husband turned to his wife and barked loudly, "WILL YOU PLEASE JUST SHUT THE F*$@%  UP??!!"

The concerned officer looked over at the wife and asked her, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

And the wife gave the officer her most innocent doe-eyed look and answered,

"Only when he's been drinking heavily."